Through the trials of several tumultuous years, God showed us that, by the power of the Holy Spirit, He will guide and direct our path in life; how He will comfort and sustain us even in the worst of times; and that His abundant provision is always there, just when we need it. He poured out His love to us and prepared our hearts to share that love with the people of Uganda -- and to bring His message of mercy, hope and faithfulness.

Year One

It was November 19, 1991. I was recuperating at home from a dislocated ankle, the result of a weekend of fellowship, worship and fun with the men of our church at our annual retreat. A partner at my law firm called to have me attend a "special meeting" early the next morning. Jennifer and I had an immediate sense what the meeting would be about -- economy was necessitating a change in my practice. We were gripped with fear.

After the meeting, I was devastated. Although "... clients have the highest regard for you," the firm was having to make "hard decisions" because of the state of the local economy -- one such decision was to abolish the firm's land use practice. Only two years earlier, I had been beckoned by the firm to leave my practice of seven years to start a new land use practice in this new office. Now, I had three months notice to seek a position elsewhere. I asked for extension, but was told, "that is never done, but will consider it."

This announcement meant the death of dreams, vision, comfort, security and identity. I had been practicing law for eleven years, working for sixteen, and for the first time my upwardly mobile path was coming to an end. We had two sons, David (who was then 8 years old) and Owen (then 3 years old), what would their future hold? How would we make it?

My brother-in-law, called and his words brought a wonderful sense of God's presence -- "concentrate on God's faithfulness in the past," he said, "Seek God, don't look at the future -- spend the next months while at home (recuperating) with Jennifer to press in to the Lord. As you spend time seeking, God will prepare your hearts to listen to His voice. If you try to do on your own strength, you'll become exhausted in 2 months, not be able to hear God, become depressed and discouraged." We decided to cancel almost all of our Christmas engagements, and purposed to be separate and apart. We spent nearly six weeks in solitude with each other and the Lord. It was a very vulnerable time in our marriage -- Satan could have ripped us apart.

It was also a very important time in ministry -- the previous summer I had been appointed worship leader for Church of the Apostles, our spiritual home. I had spent hours in prayer-peration for weekly worship services. I knew I could not lead worship on my own strength, but only through the power of the Holy Spirit. We appreciated the love extended to us by our pastor and his wife during that time -- they offered encouragement, friendship and support. Why would God allow this to happen now?" I thought. But, I realized that the Lord had prepared me to hear devastating news -- if we go into a wilderness experience spiritually bankrupt, we have nothing to draw on to bring us hope and comfort.

I was concerned for Jennifer -- there was great security in our home and material possessions. The house had been the place of raising our children for 8 years. God began to show her that Christ is the source of life, not the idols of home and security. Could she relinquish the things she held onto? God showed her "Lean not on Your own understanding. What I have for Phil is much better than what Phil could plan for himself." God began to answer the first of many prayers -- my salary and health insurance would be extended six months. We wept with gratitude.

Dec. 2, 1991 -- We were praying and I began to weep. The presence of the Lord came in a very deep way, as He gave me a vision -- a tablet of stone in the Lord's hand. He was carving our names in it and the purpose He wants us to follow. I could see the names, but not the specific purpose written on the tablet made of solid rock. Throughout life, I thought I would always be able to look at the stone and see the purpose God has carved out for us.

This situation caught us by surprise, but did not catch God by surprise. I remembered Philippians 3:10 -- the fellowship of His suffering is not our own. He chooses the suffering for us. Jesus had chosen this suffering to use it in our lives. When God allows the "foundations" of our lives to be pulled out from under, I understand now to ask, "What is the Holy One trying to communicate to me?" (If losing our home brings us closer to Jesus, then it is worth it...)

Prayers -- "Heavenly Father, show me everything about myself that grieves You."

Principles --

• "Walking in the wilderness" -- testing our faith (James 1:2,3; 1 Peter 1:7) Process of refining silver and gold (refiner's fire) -- as heat is increased, more impurities come to the surface and are scraped off.
• "Walking in humility" -- it is the humble that God uses (1 Peter 5:5,6; James 4:10; Deut 8:2) God wants His saints to walk in humility
• "Seeking holiness" -- through repentance, wilderness exposes the heart (Matt 6:33; Prov. 3:6); through praise/worship, His presence is revealed, our spirit released and we are stimulated to ministry (2 Chron 5:14; Ps. 36:4; 2 Kings 3:15)
• "Asking God to reveal His purpose/vision" -- pray for wisdom, Thy Word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path (Ps. 37:23; Ps. 32:8; Ps. 119:105; Is. 58:11)
• "Waiting upon the Lord, listening to His voice" -- waiting produces patience and endurance (Is. 40:31; Rom. 5:3,4; James 1:3,4) When the way is rough, your patience has a chance to grow.

-- Journal entry: December 15, 1991

January, 1992 -- I began making contacts for new job. Friends gave us Scriptures of encouragement and visions of the new thing God would be doing in our lives; such as, "Many people will know of God's mercy through where I am taking them." We thought that God would, of course, restore all we had lost, and it would be a great testimony to His faithfulness and mercy.

In February, the Lord gave Jennifer a Scripture to wait upon the vision from the Lord -- Habakkuk 2:1-3 "I will stand upon my watch upon the tower, and will watch to see what He will say unto me and what I shall answer when I am reproved. And the Lord answered, write the vision upon the tablets, that he may run with it. For the vision is yet for an appointed time .. though it tarry, wait for it, because it will surely come..."

Further light on the vision for our lives -- the Lord turned the tablet toward me and there were what appeared to be many flat stones stretching into the distance as far as the eye could see. And I saw that the stones were the roofs of many small houses. And below the picture was the scripture from John 14, "In my Father's house are many mansions."

In March, I was offered to set up a law practice in the offices of a group of Christian attorneys. The senior partner was a man of incredible integrity and wisdom, and I found it to be a welcome place of support while I attempted to develop a base of clients. The economy was still having an extraordinarily negative effect on the building industry in No. Virginia, but I tried to hold on to private practice, seeking to develop any new area of business possible.

Later that month, the Lord gave Jennifer the words, "Prepare to move." The Lord woke me one night with these words on my heart, "I am calling you to something new." In a later dream, the Lord spoke to me saying, "... go and teach my children..." During listening prayer with Jennifer, a song came to her heart, "Go in my name and you shall receive..."

In April, I went on a personal retreat of prayer. Near the end of the second day, the Lord gave me the words of a new song ("Behold the Lamb, Halleluia") and spoke to my heart, "I have called you to worship and to teach." I wrote in my journal, "The new place He is inviting us to enter will require much sacrifice for Him ... He has enabled us to move to the next step in our submission to Him."

As we moved into the summer months, we began to face the harsh financial realities of no income. My efforts in private practice were not producing. We could not meet our June mortgage payment and came to the realization that we must put the house up for sale. On June 10 we received a love gift that paid the mortgage. It was just the first of many generous expressions of the love of the church to our family, but did not deter the inevitable loss of our home.

In July, anger began to well up in Jennifer over the situation. I prayed and shared with her that we were in a place of danger, "If we are going to God in prayer and demanding that He change our circumstances and He doesn't, we will be very bitter people. But if we seek God for who he is (not for what He can give us, but for what He can do through us) and come to Him with a broken heart of worship and praise, then we will walk in victory."

We began to see the great principles of Godly character that our children would gain as they watched our reactions to this grave situation. They had seen us grieve and had felt the pain of facing the loss of our house. The morning the for sale sign went up in front of the house, Jennifer burst into tears -- they lasted three weeks.

Sometime in those hot summer months, I had a frightening dream that I was running through a maze and when I got out I was merely on a treadmill. There seemed to be no hope or future in what I was facing. At the time I was considering a job offer in the local county attorney's office, but felt it would not further God's purposes. We have often looked back on my decision not to take that job as a turning point. It would have brought security and kept us in No. Virginia, but I felt strongly that it was not where God was going to place us. The dream was a confirmation of that feeling.

The Lord was speaking many things to my heart during the months since November, 1991. He was working a deeper understanding of the importance to Him of maintaining absolute integrity in my life. He had shown me in so many ways to trust and hold not to the things of the world, but to things from above.

Someone asked Jennifer, "Have you lost respect for Phil through all of this?" She wrote in her journal later that day, "I was stunned... the thought had never crossed my mind. His inner-self is being strengthened and transformed and purified. He has chosen to stand and worship when the outer man is being devoured. How could I lose respect? Through his tears, his fears and his disappointments he cried out to God in prayer. Lose respect? Never." I wept over these words as I read them.

In August, 1992, God did a most remarkable thing. As a result of an earlier providential meeting with the dean of Regent Univ. law school concerning a position on the faculty (which we both acknowledged was not what the Lord wanted for me), I went on a week-long trip to Albania as part of a team of lawyers and academicians. Our mission was to assist the government in its plans to revise the country's constitution and rule of law. Instead, God used the trip to do some profound heart surgery on me. The importance of my integrity before the Lord in every activity was made vivid to me, and I was brought to a place of brokenness and repentance before Him. The love and mercy that I felt God had for the Albanian people in their despair is a reality I will never forget. This was my first overseas mission -- something I had never had time to do as a lawyer.

We sold our house just before Thanksgiving, a year after I was first notified that I would be leaving the firm. We left heartbroken. Our children had been raised there, and it was a place of many memories. I had put much of myself into it -- building a deck, refinishing the basement, etc., and I still find it hard today to go back to see it. Our church had lovingly embraced and supported us through that difficult time -- on moving day 40 people came to help us and even provided the truck and lunch for all of us. I'll never forget the scene of my small son hugging the weeping willow tree in the backyard.

From the world's perspective, during the months that followed our situation only worsened. I traveled to many cities in an effort to obtain a job. Time after time, God slammed the door shut -- by City Council vote in Houston, TX; by resignation of the City Manager in Charlotte, NC; by fruitless effort at a new golf/boating community in Albemarle, NC. But during that time we were brought to a deeper place in the Father's heart.

Year Two

January, 1993 -- once again I was asked to go overseas, this time to the newly formed Slovakia and the Czech republic, with a short-term missions team from COA, including our pastor. My responsibility was to lead worship during the week-long conference on reconciliation in Bratislava. I saw that God was continuing to use the depth of my heart's desire through worship, despite the despair that pervaded my financial and personal situation. The Father kept drawing me closer and closer to Him through abiding in the presence of the Lord in worship. Over and over again, my praise and worship of Him would bring me into the Holy of Holies and prepare me for His service. My perspective of life as a Spirit-filled Christian was being completely remolded and shapened. I came into a deeper understanding of the Father's desire that we continually be a living sacrifice of praise and worship to Him. It was my second overseas mission.

Upon my return from Eastern Europe, I accepted a position with the federal government at one-half the salary I had with my former firm. Jennifer and I could not understand why this job (which required us to move to Baltimore) was the one that God had been preserving for me. It didn't make any sense at all. We did not know anyone in Baltimore, the government job would not further any foreseeable goal in worship, evangelism, or missions overseas, and we had no attraction in the natural for a move to this new area. Again we were distraught over leaving behind all that we had grown accustomed to, all that from which we received our comfort and identity -- our church of 15 years, friends and family, and familiar surroundings. We were dazed and confused, but felt that it was important to press forward.

As we made plans to relocate, friends from COA suggested we consider moving to the Catonsville, MD area -- there were a few churches in the area and a community of believers. I decided to start our search there. What happened in the weeks that followed was astonishing. On our second visit to Catonsville, we spent the night in Baltimore and went to St. Timothy's Episcopal Church on Sunday. When we walked in I immediately felt a sense of "rightness" about being part of the fellowship. We were entirely prepared to just join a body of believers and stay out of sight; concentrate on the children and my new job. But that Sunday Fr. Sudduth Cummings chose to make the first, and only, announcement that there would soon be dramatic changes in the music ministry at St. Timothy's. He did not elaborate. As I sat there I was overwhelmed with the presence of God urging me to make myself available to be part of that change. On the way home to Virginia, Jennifer and I were very quiet. We were stunned at the dramatic way God reveals His will to us. "If this is what the past year and a half has been about," I said, "it will have all been worth it."

Not knowing anything about the church's need, we made arrangements to come in to speak with Sudduth the following week. As we spoke together in that meeting, it became clear that God's hand was at work. We told Sudduth something about our trials during the past year and a half and my heart's desire to continue my involvement in corporate worship. He was nearly speechless as he explained the dire situation of St. Timothy's music ministry due to the impending retirement of the current worship leader. In fact, that evening the vestry would be meeting to discuss the virtual elimination of the music program.

During the next two weeks, I met with vestry leaders and members of the music ministry. The Lord confirmed in every heart that the new work for me was as the Music Director for St. Timothy's. We found a small house within walking distance from the church, discovered the Christian Athletic Association youth program, and enrolled the boys at St. Timothy's School where they began to thrive. Jennifer was asked to begin a weekly Bible study which was warmly received. St. Timothy's became our spiritual home for the next five years, and the sending church for my short-term missions to Uganda in 1994 and 1995.

We know now the fellowship of His suffering. We have chosen to face the cross, to reach for those things which are before us, and not dwell on the things we have lost. We are learning to be content whatever the circumstances and to have hearts full of thanksgiving. In all honesty, these are things that do not come naturally to us, and we have had to make a conscious decision to relinquish that which we thought brought us security and to hold tightly to the things of God. As Jennifer and I go about the Father's business we find true contentment and complete fulfillment. We recently read a note of encouragement sent to us by friends over a year ago --

"Isaiah 43:19 -- Behold, I will do a new thing; now it shall spring forth; shall you not know it? I will even make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert." By the world's measure of success we have sustained great loss, but by the Kingdom's measure we are planted in rich soil and prospering. He is preparing us as His servants, to do His will, to follow where He will lead us. Our only task is to obey Him. We still have so many lessons to learn. †

-- Journal entry: June 20, 1993